Azina Zelle (azinazelle) wrote in womenvocations,
Azina Zelle

Denying a vocation?

Hi everyone. I just joined this community and hope I might get some insight into my situation. I'm a convert and received my sacramental "grand slam" (baptism, confirmation and communion) at the Easter Vigil during the Jubilee Year (2000). I never felt such an outpouring of grace before and felt truly washed clean of all my sins and given a multitude of graces. Since then I've kept having this nagging feeling of having a religious vocation. I've pushed it aside a multitude of times. I've used many excuses for why I can't have one.
  • I'm the wrong one you want, Lord. Pick someone worthier than me.
  • I'd make a rotten nun or sister.
  • I'm too selfish and too much of a sinner.
  • I can't seem to give up even the smallest thing, how can I give up everything for God?
  • It'd break my family's heart if I did this.
The truth is I'm afraid and I don't want to have a religious vocation because I fear what it means for me, what I need to give up, how much I have to die to myself in order for Christ to live more fully within me. I also worry what my friends and family might feel. I never want them to think I'm being "holier than thou" by considering a religious vocation. I know I'm a sinner and badly in need of God's grace to lead a holy life (which is always a struggle for me).

I also have a nice career getting set up which I enjoy and feel fulfilled and at home in. I don't understand how I could feel "meant" for this type of work only to be called away on a religious vocation which might take me away from it (I work in Radiography at a hospital). Ultimately I'm trying to understand what God's purpose is for me and to learn what His will is for my life and not mine, which is very difficult.
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